Wanting to get a taste of success in Charlotte International Airport, I pulled a fast one on the concierge at the U.S. Airways Club & Business Center. Simply put, I breached security and gained entry into the Club with little effort. The Club is comprised of upper echelon individuals of the traveling masses. Furnishing a demographic of such grade, it must endow travelers with the highest of quality. With that said, one can assume this place is very classy. Its urban attitude and contemporary library-themed architecture make you feel as if you are kinfolk of the Kennedy family. The prerequisite to getting into a league of this capacity – I’m assuming – is a net worth of at least 3 million dollars, a limitless supply of personally monogrammed oxfords, a handful of honorary degrees, and one Clydesdale horse.
Knowing that I could never achieve such status, I was forced to swindle my way into the lounge. Once I was in, I made my way to one of the self serve breakfast bars. In premeditation, I asked myself: Ben, do you really want to take this food? ARE YOU KIDDING ME…HELL YEA I DO! As I yelled this within the confines of my pea-shaped head, a smile, illuminated with shrewdness, was revealed. This was immediately followed by me packing my suitcase with an assortment of muffins, fruit and yogurt. As inherited from my hunter-gatherer ancestors, my instincts led me to garnering the maximum amount of goods that would fit in my satchel. In the midst of the taking, I felt no remorse.
When it comes to U.S. Airways, I express zero gratitude. For those of you who don’t know, U.S. Airways has ridiculous bag fees that take advantage of travelers who possess oversize baggage, e.g. four hundred dollars for a surfboard bag traveling within the continental United States. They have upset me, and others I know, countless times. I believe it is only fair of them to return my pain and suffrage in the form of fruits, yogurts, and muffins. Which happened, unbeknownst to them. This did make me feel a little better, although, I’m not satisfied. I haven’t even begun on how I want to be compensated for the monetary losses I have incurred over the years. Hey, U.S. Air! I’ve had my eye on a 14th century castle in Scotland for the past few months; 96,000 sq ft, 42 bedrooms, and an illuminated display of manuscripts to name a few features. I think Nicholas Cage has his on the market.
With this rage pent-up inside me, I am destined to find a way to climb the corporate ladder of US Airways. Operating with rigor, I will painstakingly make it to the confines of upper level management, and, with a solid Jean-Claude Van Damme front kick, detonate into their conference room where a thorough ass-slapping is to be ensued. While all this is occurring, not one time in my mind do I regret intervening on the quarterly “Bag Fees: How to F**k Our Customers” meeting that I just turned into a shit show.
Yes, this may be somewhat militant, but I believe its an efficient way of getting goals accomplished. Hey, George Bush did the same thing and he chalked up a couple wins during his presidency. Aside from my desires to completely obliterate U.S. Airways off the face of this earth, I had a well balanced breakfast. And guess who’s tab it was on? U.S. Air’s!